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"LOOK AT ME! IM COMMITING SUICIDE!!!!"
This is my vent/rant page... It's bland, but I just need somewhere to dump all my thoughts.
*NOTE: I am not usually this much of a nihlistic, angry, depressed, bastard. I just put all the shit I cant actually say here. So yeah... There's your fuckin' trigger warning.
Lot's of spelling errors. Some stuff might be a little all over the place- I just write shit and don't really stop. I try to spell check but obviously there's still some fuck ups.
Some entries might be vauge and weird- I ain't explain SHIT!
go back home
3/3/21 [9:50 PM]
Not sure how long this'll be... I really need to go and shower because I have ANOTHER fucking appointment tommorow. My moms probably gonna yell at me for waking her up or something- ugh.
I've only eaten junk food all day, but I did get all of my late work done which is really amazing. I am fucking up school pretty bad still- but there's no surprise there.
God, I'm just so excited for this surgery. I'm secretly hoping I have one of those "out-of-body experiences" so I can jerk my back and they'll cut my brainstem. That'd be nice. I'm kinda tired. I haven't taken melatonin or sleep aid hardly at all since I've gotten out of the hospital. (Why are pop cans so loud??) Ever since I stopped taking them, sleep meds, I've been dreaming. I thought I just stopped dreaming but, apparently I was doing it to myself.
Now that my homework is done, (or late work rather,) I am gonna try to clean my room tomorrow. I've got so much to do coming up...
I hate being so stressed all the time.
At least now I have some healthy(/ier) coping mechanisms; my boyfriend is a huge one obviously :), true crime, coding. God, I love true crime. And my boyfriend but I write about him all the time :3I've been really into Adam Lanza and my new favorite killer(s;) Robert A. Hawkins, James Gamble & Linday Souvvanarth. Also Lanza. I've just always felt a "otherworldly" connection to these people. When I listen to them, they're writing, eye witness accounts, etc. I get so... comforted? Jesus, I know that sounds weird but it's really not.
It's weird how you can write about anything at anytime anywhere. (Wow, surprise surprise a riveting discovery- you have free will!) -But I am serious lol. You can write, draw, say, literally anything and yet I keep repeating the same words, phrases, and topics over and over again. It's... weird. Kind of sad- almost makes me angry. Ehhhh... I don't have the time or want to delve into the meaninglessness of this shit. I'm going to shower.
3/1/21 [10:56 PM]
My stomach hurts a little bit. Same way with my back and leg but that's nothing new or surprising. I'm not even gonna fuck around with this. Goodnight- I feel... depressed. Again. God it never ends. Fuck all of you.Well, not you but the people I know. Fuck everynody I know. Except for my boyfriend. I love him. I miss him. I hate it here.
2/28/21 [11:42 PM]
Okay. It’s been a while- I know. So the last two entries of me saying how sick I was? Turns out I had an infection due to my autoimmune disease!!! Hahaha. So that’s just... peachy. Went into the “special” doctor for a kinda checkup because my rheumatologist finally listened to me when I said “I am in fucking pain.” So we got a appointment scheduled with somebody who would know what’s going on.
Then when I got into her office... she checked me out... and 30 minutes later I’m told I need to go to the hospital! So my mom and I got two diet Coke’s & a French Fry from McDonald’s & we went. :) Got in, got settled, was told “you’ll only be here for 28-48 hours. Plot twist... I was there for 3.5 days. 4 full nights. But yeah... I had a big ol infection in my stupid fuckin’ body. But they pumped me full of pain medication, saline that I could taste, REALLY strong antibiotics 24/7 and I was done. It was really nice tbh. I mean yeah, being in the hospital isn’t amazing... but I didn’t have to do school work. And the staff there was so so so so nice. They were just wonderful. I’ve never met so many nice people. I really felt safe and cared about. My mom told me today, when I got out, “if this ever happens again you need to be more straight forward and tell somebody.” It almost made me cry. I couldn’t move. I was begging for her to help me and then she told me that after it was all over- when I got home she seemed stressed and angry. She always gets angry when she’s stressed. I wish she didn’t do that.
While we were in the hospital I had to put on a gown in front of her. (My mom, I mean.) She saw my self harm for the first time- well, kinda. She knew I had in the past but nothing like this. All red, purple, huge. Haha. Well, it really was a weight off my shoulders at least. Honestly it felt and still feels really good. Whatever, at least my surgery date didn’t get pushed back at all :) Yet- I guess. Could still happen. God, I hope not.
Whenever I get home after not being there for a “long time,” one of the first things I do is get into the shower. I take really long showers because they always make me feel safe and relaxed. Sometimes I don’t even shower if I don’t have to... I’ll just listen to music and relax. It’s nice. I get almost... manic? Sometimes. I’ll start thinking about things and having conversations with people in my head lol. Not in a crazy way- in a “I wish I could say this to people.” way. It’s basically me just feelings dumping but.... silently. And... alone.
Every time I do tho the same topics come up again and again. And one of those of course is people wronging me and how that relates to my role in the world. And my role in the world in general.
...More like my role in the universe I guess. Idk. But I kind of just wanted to write about that I guess? Just to organize my thoughts.
I’m a angry person- but I don’t show it. I walk around and look angry, but I never vocalize my feelings. Yeah, I’m a angsty teen. But I’m definitely more angry and thoughtful than the rest. I feel like I’m above the rest. No- I know. Call it narcissism, sure. But it’s not narcissistic if the narcissist is the only one who exists. There’s no one to compare me to... I’m not sure if that makes sense. I can’t put what I know into words-
How do I know you exist? And even if you do- why do I care? There’s no proof that you exist. Sure you’re here. But to me you are a robot. You are just here as filler- tho some have a role to fulfill. And I don’t believe any of these are good. If I one day woke up to be told nothing and nobody was ever able to understand or conceive of anything but me and my life- I wouldn’t be surprised. I know I think. I know I am here for a reason. I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t meant to be something. I don’t mean a pop star or a doctor who cures cancer- I mean I am a... god? No, Jesus Christ. I hate that shit. That god complex bullshit. I’m not a fucking god. Gods arent real. God is a stupid fucking term made up by a bunch of schizos. More like everything- I am everything. I am the only thing. I am the only thing you will ever exist for. You only exist to be perceived through me. I am inspired by those who also felt this way. And I still believe they’re here. Not... here. But they’re still real.
I think that’s why I relate/adore serial experiments so much. Lain and how her ways of thinking align with mine. Not her ideas and her being- but the way she goes about it. And her. I guess? I had a better way of explaining it earlier...
Once this life is (finally) over, I will leave this plain. I will leave this existence and join them in the actual world. Not physically- my body isn’t real. I am not true. My personality is fake it has been built by and for people to take advantage of. It’s dirty as am I.
When I’m gone I know this will have been worth it. The hate. The anger. The pain. I hate the pain. Why does it effect me? If I am the only thing that matters- why does it matter who I matter to? They’re not real. Why do I crave their understanding and acceptance? If I am the only one who knows and I am the only one who will leave. None of you ever existed.
I’m not sure if anybody understands this except for me. That’s fine- I’m the only one this is for. Still... I hope y’all don’t think I’m done psycho or teenage tryhard like some of the people I’ve seen on this site... haha. Whatever- I don’t mean to put anybody down. I’m just being... difficult.
Time for bed. Goodnight.
2-22-21 [9:28 PM]
Another incridbly short entry. I am in so much physical pain. We're calling to see if they'll give me stronger medication tommorow. I can't do this anymore. I had a fever of 101.?? (I forgot haha.)
It's just getting really hard. I know I'm making this sound very dramatic but not only am I tired but I genuinelly can not put my feelings into words at this current time. I have mouth sores, LSUDT, stomach ulcers, body aches, a fever, and then add on the fact that I cannot sit or walk without breaking down from the pain. I just want all of this to stop. School, people, me. I just want to be and think nothing anymore. I don't want to be remembered. I don't want to live. I didnt ask for this. Life is just physical and emotional pain constantly. But I am lucky- I have a wonderful boyfriend, family, home, objectively I have it so good... so why do I still feel like this? Sure, the pain is way too much to handle but I ccan survive. It'll be okay. We'll fix it. I just have to move on and hope. But god, is that proving difficult.
2-21-21 [11:05 PM]
Really tired- this'll be short. I'm really sick rn. That's it. That's the whole entry.
2-21-21 [3:03 AM]
I get these sores inside of my mouth whenever I get significantly more stressed out than usual. I have four right now I think. They always hurt so fucking bad. I hate it. I am so tired of being in pain all of the time. I took.. 3? 4? Sleep aids. Kicked in a hell of a long time ago. It's hard to type and I can't really understand what the podcast I'm listening to are saying. Arm is numb. Eating Cheez-Its. I love Cheez-Itz. When I was a kid I loved cheseballs. That's a weird memory- very far back in my brain. God I'm so tired. Won't even spell check. Gn~
2-20-21 [It's currently 3:33 AM- ooou]
I've seen lots of recurring "angel numbers" today. 3:33am, 777, 555, etc. Not much to say about that. Just a thing I noticed.
Went to my pre surgery physical. I was hoping to get pain medication but they only "prescribed me" Tylenol Three. It's just tylenol with codeine in it. Idk anything about medicine but as soon as they said "Tylenol..." I was fuckin' done. Just 18 more days until I can be pain free again. Well in my back and legs, lol.
Took 3 sleep aids. Not even gonna spell check. Gn
2-19-21 [11:13 PM]
Alright. Uh... don't really have a whole lot to say tonight. I've got a doctors appointment in the morning. Just a pre-surgery physical. 19 days. Hoping they'll give me some pain medication just to "tide me over."
It'll be regulated of course. Just really need something to stop this constant fucking pain. We're gonna get coffee in the morning, tho. So I am really excited about that. I don't really wanna get blood drawn. But I just have to deal with it I guess. Hhhrgh. Gotta get a covid test soon, too. Gross. I just wanna feel better. I'm so tired of waiting.
Took 2 sleep aids and a melatonin. I don't really feel it yet. Need to wake up early. So I took more than I probably should've tonight. Life's kind of... boring right now. There's nothing really happening- ever. It sucks. I miss my boyfriend. I just want him here. He's all I want.
*If you're reading this, babe. Don't continue lol-
I just don't want him to feel trapped so I feel kinda bad about writing about this stuff- so hopefully he'll just listen haha. My boyfriend is literally all I want. I have such a genuine hate for everyone and everything else. He makes me so happy and so safe. I hate being long distance. Especially during this fucking pandemic. Sucks. A lot.
Hopefully we'll see each other soon. I don't know if I could take it if we don't- at this point I basically orbit him. Not in a toxic way- but in a "he's all I'm ever thinking about because I just want him to be happy" way. He's all I want and need. If he's happy nothing else matters.
I'm so lucky.
I always cringe when people talk about shit they "hate." I always think the same thing; "You're just making up problems. You're perfectly fine you're just bored. You're just saying you hate shit to look edgy." I mean, when I hear a teenager say "I hate everybody" I just automatically assume oh- mommy said she wouldn't give you your juul back until you have an A in english.
But I really do mean it when I say I hate everything- or maybe I don't... It's not really a "hate" now that I think about it. More like a mix of disdain and pity. Pity? Kinda. Yeah I guess so. God, I don't know. I just wake up and immediately feel annoyed.
I keep thinking about how jealous I am of the kids who commited and actually succeeded. God I wish. Could you imagine? Not being anymore??? That's all I've ever wanted.
I was looking through old scrapbooks and photos around my house today. I found a custom calendar my aunt gave to my mom many years ago. I was a child/basically toddler when she made it. I thought it was funny, tho. On my page (Each month's page shared facts about a specific person- usually in their birth month.) under the photo of like... 6 year old me there was some text; "[Egghead? lol? Insert name here???!] enjoys the smell of vanilla and cherries and hopes to visit heaven one day."
It made me cry and laugh when I first read it. It's obviously very funny- if I had to guess I was probably just trying to "impress" and/or get attention from my family because "Aweee! She's so cute!!!!!" The more I think about it, tho. The less funny it gets and more... not sad... more like... ironic? But in a weird unknowing sort-of way? Like... I feel like I knew what I was doing. But there's just no way because I was a fucking child. Thing's were still relatively good then. I dunno. I really need to get to sleep.
2-17-21 [9:57 PM]
My arms feel numb. They keep doing that- but I think it's just because of my sleep aid. Good god, I'm tired. I took 2 sleep aids. Maybe 3? No it was definitely two.
I'm listening to Dylan (Klebold’s) journals/writings. CVA did a couple videos on them- just repeating the things he wrote verbally. It's weird how people tell me off for relating to him so much. *Dylan, not CVA haha- I hate CVA but whatever. At least he posts columbine related content. New and old.
I'm always told I'm weird and/or a bad person for thinking and relating to Dylan in this way, but when you read his writings it's apparent that he really want a bad person. That kind of bleeds into my "villain mentality" think I guess, huh? I listen to his entries and I feel like I'm reading something I wrote. Not in his writing style but his "story." The comments about others being zombies and just wanting to leave here with whoever his "[REDACTED]" is. I'm not nearly as narcissistic of course. But I still believe deep down Dyl never thought he was a god. Just used it as a metaphor or something. He was so smart. Had so much to offer.
I wish I couldve met him.
I have no romantic interest in him. I don't idolize him at all. What he did was wrong- and I know that... but when I read his writings I feel like I'm being comforted and seen. He experienced life similar to me. He talks of his excitement to leave "this life" and how he loves love. But he then goes on to write about the hate he has for everybody except for one person.
I know he was a good person. He just wanted to be happy and to be loved. He hated himself and hated everybody else for making him feel that way. Life shouldn't be so bad. Nobody should feel like us.
Whenever I hear other people talking about how much they relate to Dylan and Eric it makes me cringe. I keep telling myself that not everybody is just a mindless asshole and that other people have feelings and preferences too but I can't actually believe it. I know they're just doing it for show. Nobody thinks like me- which I know it a edgy statement but I know it's true.
I sometimes wonder if there are a few people out there who understand- but it doesn't even matter because we'll all be dead soon... eh.
2-16-21 [10:47 PM]
*To preface- I know it's been a bit. Shit has been hard so I kinda was stuck in a rut therefore I couldn't write. I'm trying now, tho.
This'll probably be quite a bit different than my usual entries. Much more edgy and pessimistic but, hell! This is why this is here right?!
So uh... yeah. I feel like I've been getting worse- recently. To say the least. When it starts getting bad I am noticing I post on social media more- I think it's some sort of distraction maybe? Like I'm trying to show everybody I'm okay while also making me feel like I'm "together." Idk- It's weird and hard to explain. All I know iis that everything is worse. My pain is going crazy. But I have an appointment this Friday so hopefully I'll be able to get some pain medication. BUt yeah- pain, anxiety, depression, all that shit. My grades are kind of slipping as well. God, I'm still so behind on art.
I have just been so much more foggy. And I'm so shaky. I feel sick all the time now. I always feel horrible of course but this is definitely noticeably worse. My mom and boyfriend are even starting to notice. That's when I know it's bad- when others can see it too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm literally going crazy- you know how you sometimes see shadows in the corners of your eyes so you have to look because you feel like somebody's there? Or when you start to feel like somebody behind you is watching even though you're alone?
(Most people experience this- so if you don't, you're the word one.)
I've been experiencing that a whole lot today. I don't think it "means'' anything. I just want to note it. It's weird. I wonder why we do this. It literally happened again- then my cat and dogs got in a fight haha- I'm so on edge it's embarrassing.
I hate... pain. Gos my body just fucking hurts. I feel so bad for complaining about it all the time. I'm not trying to be an attention whore- I just seriously can't stop thinking about it. I just hurt. Everything. Jesus.
Also- my school had a snowday today! Which is... different. Considering I do online school... But some kids do it in person so I guess it makes sense. It was a nice break. I still... haven't... gotten... my photography assignments are done tho... Ugh- I can't be creative right now when I can't fucking walk. Jesus.
I just had a semi- intrusive thought. People who fight in wars are real people who can be embarrassed and fall the same as I can. Like they can be thrown down by waves and struggle to get up. Weird- Idk where that came from but it's here now.
I've been having a real issue with solipsism and all that lately. I just can't "accept it." I know IF should think this specific way but- I can't. Because I know deep down I will always think this way. Because I know it's true.
But then I hear people say "Everybody is the hero in their own story!" But- I don't agree with that. I don't think that at all. I'm the complete opposite. I think I'm the villain. Maybe "anti-hero" but they require redeeming qualities. Am I gonna have a redemption arch some day?
((Hey uh boyf incase youre reading this- I'd stop now haha))
My boyfriend makes me a better person. He always gets on me for making suicide jokes- which I obviously find funny but also weird... comforting? In a way? Which I know makes me an attention whore but is it really attention whoring if it's for your boyfriend?He buys me time- but at the same time gives me hope to lay beside it. Which nobody else does. I'm just always told I can't leave yet and never given a good reason why until him- or a non-selfish reason why. But he gives me one.
My upper arm is literally cramping- my back is as well but that's not new hah. I took 1 sleep aid and a melatonin earlier- I can feel it.
Also! I ordered my shirts! Four of them! So fucking excited. My mom also got me a gift of some sort... Hm. I don't even want to know what it is. I love gifts :) They make me so excited. Well, not gifts really but the process of ordering and receiving anything at all is so much fun for me.
Alright I should really get to bed before I get yelled at- Goodnight, buddies.
2-11-21 [10:44 PM]
Alright- not gonna finish that last part. My mom came downstairs and yelled at me and then I got scared and sidetracked... :,)
She's been yelling at me almost constantly for a couple months now. That's the only downside to quarantine for me- besides not being able to travel to meet my boyfriend. It sucks tho. I hate getting yelled at- I just don't know what to do... Like do I apologize? Do I laugh??? Do I just say okay?!?! That's what I usually do- try not to not awkwardly laugh or cry, just say okay, and get away as fast as possible.
Jesus- I make it sound like I'm abused. I'm not abused. My mom used to never yell at me- but recently she's been going through a rough patch... her boyfriend broke up with her very suddenly, her job is always really stressful but she moved to a new section of her division, (I don't wanna specify what she does lol-) and money is... tight right now... to say the least.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna open up the door and see that she's blown her brains out. Kinda scares me- not the action but just the fact that she felt like that. I wonder if that's how people look at other people. Idk if that makes sense... ugh.
Anywayyyyy, shits tough. I'm just trying to hold out I guess. I keep telling myself that it will get better even though I know that's not true. I've told myself that for years and nothing has changed.
I would say "sucks." But honestly- it doesn't anymore. It's just normal.
My grades aren't all that great right now. I'm falling behind in art.... still. I just can't be creative. I don't want to turn in shit. Pfft- let's be honest. Everything I do is shit.
Hah. I took 2 sleep-aids and 2 melatonin. Hopefully it hits hard soon.
My mom is supposed to be gone almost all day tomorrow. God, am I excited. Just to be able to relax by myself. It's so cold here right now... So so so cold. I miss going outside. Even if it was warm tho, I couldn't go out. I cant fucking stand. 27 days. 27 days until my surgery. God, am I excited. I want to get this fixed. It hurts so bad all the time. Whatever. 27 days. Gotta remember 27 days.
Sleep aid is starting to kick in.
Supppeerrrr random topic change; I love shopping. One of my favorite online brands is having a sale on the 15th and boy oh boy am I excited! I am gonna get 3 new shirts- maybe 4. Yay! :) Well... not too sure what else to write about.
Surprised my mom hasn't come down and yelled at me yet... ugh. Alright- I should probably go up before I get screamed at... again.
2-10-21 [10:38 PM]
My head hurts. That just started... Uh... I took a sleep aid- I take one basically every night.
I'm still really behind on art assignments... I have like over 6 missing. Hhhhh. Today wasnt terrible. I just woke up, worked on the site, took a math test, worked on the site, facetimed my boyf bc he got his Valentine's Day box, opened and wore his sweatshirt, and now I'm here.
My back is getting progressively worse- it fucking sucks. I hate it so much. I can't walk, stand, hell I'm in pain while I'm sitting. Fuck-
This week feels like it's been really long. It's Wednesday- but it feels like it should be Friday. I hate school so much. Everybody there sucks, I don't get anything from it except for stress and anxiety, and I am doing this shit for free.
Pisses me off. I could be making money right now. Instead I'm being forced to do shit I dont care about for people who don't care. It sucks. Everything sucks.
This makes me sound like a 2008 emo kid but,, I hate how "bright" and happy everybody and everything is. Why can't people just,, stop? I hate that people expect you to be happy and bubbly. Why do I have to parade around acting like I care??? I already don't want to be here- and now youre telling me I have to talk to other people and act happy so you dont feel uncomfortable??? Jesus Christ.
Uhhhh I'll finish this tommorow, yeah.
2-09-21 [9:19 PM]
Today has been exceptionally hard. I havent showered for days. Hell, almost over a week at this point. I feel like shit. My head hurts, my body hurts, I am emotional- I don't know where that's even coming from. I think my spine slippage has gotten worse... I was at a Grade 3, but I surely am at a 4 now- there's no way I'm not.
It's my sisters birthday today, which is... kind of hard. I miss seeing her a lot. Their birthdays are always more difficult than usual. I don't like that they are growing up. I can remember when they were young- that's when I was around them the most, when they were younger. It's hard seeing them grow up- it's wonderful of course, don't get me wrong, it's just sad. I miss them both a lot. Ouch.
I've been on the verge of tears all day. I don't really know why. I miss Josiah a lot. I really hope his sweatshirt gets here tomorrow. I really could use that right now.
I might be slipping into a depression? I go through different phases and depressive "streaks." They can last from like 2 days-months. I hope I'm not. School is already hard to deal with and I'm not even there. I don't need my brain to check out now.
Uhh.. yeah. I took 2 sleep aids tonight- I don't really feel them yet. Hopefully I do soon. I'm going to try and shower soon. Hopefully I can actually do it.
I can't even cut right now because of this surgery. Hell, I'm already terrified about that. I don't want to deal with it. God, that makes my stomach hurt.
I think I'm too pensive. That or too suicidal. God, I wanna fucking die. I'm not going to. But I wish I could. I get sometimes "have to be asked" if I'm going to/wanting to kill myself- and the answer is always honest and the same;
Am I going to kill myself: Right now? No.
Do you want to commit suicide: Yes, obviously. But I'm not going to. There's a difference between planning to kill yourself and wanting to kill yourself.
I think I've written about this before- oops haha. Honestly, suicide is basically all I think about. It's always in the back of my mind. I am just not interested in living. I don't see why that's so bad? As long as I'm not gonna do anything, who cares?
(Tho, I already know nobody would actually care if I did. Everybody just acts like it because that's what society tells you to do. (Haha we live in society.) Seriously tho- I am objectively a bad person with no actual use. I have no friends and little to no family. I get shit grades and have no motivation. Objectively and logically, I am the "weakest link" to say the least. I am taking up space that I do not deserve. But- for some reason I am not allowed to revoke my existence. Which by society's moral standard, I understand. But what the fuck are those standards based upon??? If I don't want to live, why should I have to??
Like Eric Harris said; "Isn't America supposed to be the land of the free? how come, If im free, I cant deprive a stupid fucking dumbshit from his possessions If he leaves then sitting in the front seat of his fucking van out in plain sight and in the middle fucking nowhere on a Fri fucking day night. NATURAL SELECTION. fucker should be shot."
I've been thinking about Dylan Klebold, Sol, & True Crime a lot more than usual recently- tho, I'm always thinking about it- Just... thinking about it more deeply I guess? I always resort to true crime when I get "depressed." I hate using that term, lol. It's so overused. Every kid and their mother says they're depressed.
Which reminds me- I should make a rant page... Yeah I'm actually gonna do that. So uh- here's the first one??? I guess? I'll copy and paste this later or something idk-
Some backstory- 2 kids killed themselves from my school semi-recently. (I dont think it's even been half a year since it happened.) 2 males, not popular, not unpopular, pretty good & smart kids from what I've been told. I was never close to either- hell, I didn't even know one of their faces. Sucks. I feel genuinely pretty bad.
Their suicides were only about 3ish months apart. After the first- nobody really talked about it or cared. But when the second happened it seems like suddenly everybody started to "care." Even though I know they dont. Any other actual suicidal person knows it's performative "activism." You wanna know how I know it's performative? Because the same cunts who roam around my school high and mighty stepping on whoever they want without any reporocussions, the same kids who screamed "faggot" at me in the hallways, the same kids who made fun of me in the gym locker room because they knew I was gay, the same kids who told me I was crazy for cutting myself, are now saying shit about "suicide prevention."
Fuck. Suicide. Prevention.
I am so tired of people who have never dealt with real shit in their lives parading around like they're some sort of saint.
Don't even try to say "Well, you don't know what they're going through!" Yeah, you're right. I don't know. But what I do know is that they gave me shit for YEARS because I was different- and now they're saying that's wrong.
Where's my fucking apology?! Where's the suicide prenetion bullshit when it comes to kids who are actually struggaling and it's not just "Oh I get sad smetimes and post black screens with music and a time stamp."
How come the popular and well liked people get all the support in the world but the kid who is actually sticking the gun to their head is told to pull the trigger?
It's embarrassing. God, I fucking hate people.
I curse too much. And I seriously need to shower... So I should log off I guess- goodnight friends. One can only hope I have a heart attack in my sleep.
2-08-21 [10:05 AM]
Really pushing it tonight- I feel like I'm gonna fuckin' pass out. I'm just... sitting here. Yeah, this'll be pretty short. I'm just too tired to even think. Today was pretty bland. I got my package for boyf sent out tho :) I'm super excited for him to get it- I'm maybe even more excited to get his sweatshirt! I'm definetly gonna cry, lol.
I woke up & my back hurt like hell. God, this surgery couldnt come quick enough.
Hhhhhh I think I'm actually gonna go to bed- I'm not even gonna revise the entry. I'm,,, exhausted.
2-07-21 [9:43 AM]
We're back! I've got "school" tommorow. It's all online tho, so it's really not school. I'm really behind on my art assignments. Which fucking sucks- but I'm planning on getting it done tommorow. Hopefully my teacher won't be too upset... ugh.
I'm pretty tired. I took sleeping meds. I'm just chilling right now- I got my boyfriend's Valentine's Day package all put together! We're shipping it out tomorrow. I'm super super super excited :) I hope he likes all his gifts. I'm not going to say what I've gotten him because he has access to the site- but I think I got him some nice stuff :) I'm just so excited for his sweatshirt to get here. I miss him so so so much. I just want to nap with him :( Even if it's just for a bit...
Alright enough of the sappy shit. Nobody wants to hear about that. I've gotta be up at 8:00. Which... fucking sucks. I love sleep- I don't wanna deal with school :/ Or existing LMAO.
I cleaned my room today. It smells and looks really good. I've been relatively pretty productive today! Hmmm. Don't know what else to write about! Gotta piss again- stupid Diet Coke.
Tommorow I'm planning on working on the site during school, shipping boyf's package, getting materials from my school, (ew.) and that's... actually it. I'm craving fast food :/ Ugh.
I think I'm gonna cave & hit the hay.
2-07-21 [2:22 AM] (Oooou cool numbers)
Alright- journaling. Good for the soul. Healthy coping mechanisms- wonderful!
Nothing new. Same old same old. Except I am super excited for Valentines Day! I got my boyfriend some gifts and we're sending each other our sweatshirts we've been wearing so we can... smell each other. It's a long distance thing okay. I think he'll really like the stuff I got him :) I don't think I've ever been so excited to give somebody something. Which is weird because I have some wonderful family and friends... and I should really give people stuff... but... I don't want to. Eh!
Not too sure what else to write about. I took sleeping medication like an hour and a half ago or so? It's definitely starting to set in, which is good. I take sleeping medication almost every night. I love sleeping meds. They make me feel so relaxed.
Speaking of (probably) overusing medication..!
I am officially over one year sober! Very short and simple backstory: I had a really bad opioid addiction for a little over a year. I used pills almost every day. I didn't know this at the time- but apparently I was taking a non-fatal overdose almost daily. The pills made me completely space out. Basically my life during that time was; wake up, get ready, take pills... and now it's the next day and I do it again.
This is depressing but it was basically a win-win situation in my eyes (at the time.) I got to live and not upset my mom or leave my pets behind, but I didn't have to "exist" anymore! When I was on those pills I was nothing. I don't remember hardly anything from 2019-2020. I didn't have to think anymore. (BTW- I was officially 1 year on the 5th, 2-05-21)
Suicidality is weird.
I'm pretty happy about that- even "proud" to be honest. I need to piss. And go to bed... I'm surprised I haven't gotten a text from my mom saying "Go to bed." yet.
Got myself some Valentines Day chocolates today. I love chocolate! And pie... I'm actually going to warm up pie right now, now that I think about it... and pee.
I'm back with pie. And I'm insanely tired- I've reached the "blurry vision and typing difficulty" stage of taking sleeping medication. By the way,, these aren't prescription or anything, lol. They're literally called "Sleep Aid(s.)"
I can't get medication without asking my mom (because of addiction stuff and ya know... real stuff.) so whenever my mother leaves stuff out, I'll nab it and keep it for later. Sleep aids are one of those things. I don't really care about any other medication. I forgot where I was going with this-
God, I'm gettin real tired. Alright I'm caving lol. Nighty night, folks!
2-06-21 [1:05 AM]
This'll be pretty short because I took sleeping meds again lol- I haven't written in a bit which isn't good, but i'm here now lol! So uhhhh... life actually isn't, bad rn!???!!??? With me not being in school, I feel so much better. I just love not having to interact hahaha. I'm an actual fucking hermit. All I want is my dogs and my boyfriend. I dream about being in a void, being literally nothing physically, and just having a computer and my puppies. I'd love that.
The only reason I havent just said fuck it and pull the trigger is because of my bf lol- but I dont really wanna write about that sappy shit. Not because it makes me upset- but because it makes me sound like a fuckin edgelord-whiner and a bore. Hmmm... I'm really excited for Devon Erickson's trial. Same with Nikolas. I wonder what's gonna happen to me. It's... interesting to think about.
Idk what to write about but I'm eating chesse-itz rn and I dont wanna stop HEHEHE
Uhhh- watched Suicide Room again recently. It's a good ass movie. It makes me feel funny. Went to my favorite store today- not gonna say what it is because it would give away my irl location- got a cool poster and mask. I hope Covid is over soon. Shit sucks. So- Uhhhhhhh yeah. Gonna go to bed now. Gu'night.
2-01-21 [11:06 PM]
Alright. Here we are! I don't really know how to start this...
I'm really tired. Tired and also in a lot of physical pain. My throat, back, hands, and legs hurt. But what's new. Totally forgot to say- I have a surgery date finally! I have grade 4 spondylolisthesis, hypermobility, and an autoimmune disease that causes my mouth to break out in giant ulcers whenever I am even slightly stressed. Super cool. Thanks, body!
I'm not going back to school, but all my peers are :) I'm really happy about that. I hate school. I hate everybody at school. They're all dicks. Narcissistic, unoriginal, stuck up brats. Haha. I sound like one too, probably. I don't think I am. I'm pretentious, sure. But at least I know I'm shit and don/t try to hide it. I own my garbage dump of a personality.
Ah. I don't think I'm making sense.
I almost always write at night after I've taken some sleeping meds. I like the feeling of feeling so loopy. I can feel my body sinking. It feels comforting.
I was thinking about that recently- my body shutting down and me being able to finally leave. Hell, I think about it all the time but it's definitely been more frequent because of this upcoming surgery.
I hate when people try to make that more "optimistic" or "normal."
It's impossible to understand this.
They'll tell me, "Oh you don't want to die! You want the pain to stop." What pain?? I'm happy. I have a wonderful family, boyfriend, life. I'm not disabled. Hell, at this point I don't even think I'm disliked by most people. No, I don't have friends but tbh that's normal for a lot of teens.
But still, I want to leave this place. I want to go. I don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to be anything. I wouldn't exist anymore. I would not be anything. I can make it stop. I want it to stop.
I don't really know why. It doesn't bother me at all- it's just more annoying than anything. When I'm 18 it won't matter. I can die whenever I please.
One time somebody on fourm I visit told me "Suicide will always be an option." Which is kind of helping me get through the right now. I can die whenever.
Trains are always nearby.
Alright, my stomach is starting to hurt and typing is starting to get physically difficult. Hah. Goodnight.
2-01-21 [12:16 AM]
I seriously need to get the fuck to sleep soon so this will be insanely quick. It's Sol's Birthday today. That's really... sad. But also wonderful. I miss her. Okay- uh yeah gn lots of changes to the site- im falling behind. FUCKKKKK
1-24-21 [8:04 PM]
This will be wayyyyyyyy shorter than usual- I didn't sleep at all last night. (Literally at all lol. 0 seconds of sleep.) I'm running on coffee and tea & coffe and tea alone. It's been wayyyy too long since I've "pulled an all nighter." Issue is- this "all-nighter" wasn't intentional.
I didn't take any sleep medication- so that definetly had a lot to do with it. I feel like I'm floating- that's how tired I am. I just,, cannot rn. Goodnight fam. I quite literally am just- dead. I feel slow as hell- GOD IM TIRED OKAY GN this is a dumb entry lol
1-23-21 [11:53 PM]
Gonna try to make this kinda quick because I still gotta shower lol. I need to get up tomorrow morning to go to my local cemetery and take photos for my photography class. Might post some if they're good enough. I hope so lol... Anyway- Not much has happened recently. I am fucking up school pretty bad- but that's nothing new.
I miss my boyfriend a lot. (Hey bb if you're actually reading this- don't take it too seriously pls.) He's seriously the only thing I care about. He seriously makes me feel safe and like I'm actually worth something. Like life is "worth living" even though that's super fucking edgy and tryhard lol... but it's still true. I've never trusted a man before I met him. I love him so much and I just want to be with him forever. I need to see him soon. Sometimes I'll have to go to the bathroom during school or hide away at home to avoid people seeing me cry over how much I miss him. It's not even about the sexual aspects, though those are obviously great. I just want to be able to be hugged and held. He makes me feel safe and he's not even here. I'd probably pass out.
God I miss him.
Alright... I think that's all i really wanna write about tonight. Gonna go up to shower now- I've neglected my personal hygiene for wayyy too long haha... Nighty night friends~
1-20-21 [10:05 PM]
Alright- went to school earlier today. That was actually, really nice. Easy day. Chill af- but I got home and somehow I'm sad. Somehow I still feel empty and angry. I've blocked out all the things that I thought made me feel the way I do, but somehow I still feel bad. Idk- I have to get up early tomorrow so this really needs to be as quick as possible… so i wont get into any of that mess.
Idk. I just feel like shit all of the time. No matter what or who I do or don't have I still feel empty.
As edgy as whiny as this sounds- I really do sometimes wonder if I'm just meant to live a life of shit as an experiment or something. Like when I finally kill myself I'll wake up in a private hospital room with doctors all around monitoring me and my actual body.
Like they want to see how much a person can take before they just can't anymore.
Anyway- I have to get an MRI taken tomorrow of my spine. It's definitely getting worse. Today has been really difficult. It feels like it's going to come out of my skin. Like it's tearing through my muscle.
HHHHh. I am too tired to write anymore. I took 4 sleep aid and 2 melatonin 30 or so minutes ago so… it's starting to fuck with me. I need to stop making myself sleep. But I can't. I like dreaming too much. Hhm. Gn.
1-15-21 [10:00 PM]
Just took 3 sleep aid and 2 melatonin. Definitely can feel it starting to kick in. I like the feeling of being sleepy-loopy. Drugs are weird. Weird and scary. Idek what to write about right now. Oh yeah, today has been kind of weird... It started fine but then I started to get numb and loopy for lack of a better word. This is all over the place already. Whatever- I,, really love my boyfriend. We're long distance and I won't li it's... really fucking hard. Not hard- sad. He really is one of the only people I genuinely care about. I feel so safe even when I'm just talking to him. I want to be able to nap on him like other girls can with their s/o. Idk... someday soon we'll see each other. And it'll be wonderful. :)
Uhhhh I am gonna shittily write about Solipsism now!!! I have been thinking a lot recently about existence and such. I used to think I was going to be dead soon but,, now that I'm not planning on killing myself for at least another 2 years I am kind of... "lost," I guess. I never thought about what life means or why it exists because I never really cared. It never really "applied to me."
I obviously still want to die- but the mix of me loving Josiah too much to ever leave him and my mother telling me she'll kill herself and the pets if I died kind of trumps my suicide plans. (Also, as morbid as this is, I don't have a sure fire way to get it done. I just can't fuck up again. I am only going to even attempt if I have a loaded gun.)
Enough of that gross shit. I didn't even write about my thoughts on existence- whatever LMAO. I gotta go to bed. This shit is makin me so tired I can't even continue writing. Night night, friends.
1-12-21/1-14-21 [9:30 PM-1:30 AM]
Woah- I'm actually writing! I've changed a lot recently, but I'll write about that later. I reset my journal because I am actually letting go of my past bullshit. Not out of fear. Not out of anger. I am doing this for myself. I deserve to be happy. I am my own person. I want to spend my time on this reached planet living for me. This is going to be short because I really need to go to bed. I have to get up early and I took sleeping medication so I'm just forcing myself to stay awake right now, LMAO... Anyway- here's the shit I'm gonna write about because I know I'll get distracted and forget it.
-"Strangle" -Nashville Bombing suspect motive theory and Media not releasing "manifesto" -New Year -Solipsism -Sol -Surgery
Damn! That's kind of a lot to write about... I'll make it brief and then add more soon.
I like the term strangle a lot. I'm not saying that to be edgy- I just genuinely like how it sounds and is written. It's kinda odd but in a really "nice" and clean way. That's literally all I wanted to say about that. Oops.
I think the Nashville bomber wasn't crazy. Anthony Quinn Waren- the bomber who commited suicide in an RV Bomb he built himself wrote a 9 page "manifesto" and sent it to his acquaintances. This note talks about his "political views" but the news didn't release the full thing... only snippets.